feeling better after writing this thing

depression sucks enough why do there have to be things that come along with it like mental pop-up ads of images of what you think you look like crying as you’re crying or doing whatever and these images are so horrible and precious that you want to distance yourself from them as quickly as possible which often involves giving in to maladaptive behaviors because they feel easiest despite almost always being followed by sick sicky obvious self-pity and then on top of it all you have to hear yourself talk and think about what you’re going to say next and it’s just going to be another day and another night and another day and your only consolation prize is sometimes you get to experience something beautiful or surprising and sometimes someone is there with you when it happens and you get to laugh and look at the person’s face and see them seeing your face and the only word for how you feel is ‘sparkly’ but that doesn’t even come close to describing it and it only happens in tiny installments that you can’t even replay exactly as they happened because it’s just always this same unending scary as hell feeling of the same moment always happening and you are just this scared thing that never got the opportunity to RSVP to the body you’re stuck in and your head vibrates when you talk a little and it’s so sick why do anything ever i feel done

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