starting today, march 17, 2013 i will be liveblogging everything i do. right now in my life there is no one i talk to frequently enough that they would be upset by me not doing things i had told them i would do. the only person ‘keeping tabs’ on my life is me. as time has been passing i have been feeling an equally out-of-control sensation of my life not belonging to me or something, like it’s just this thing that’s happening, that i don’t seem to be participating in much, and so am sort of failing at it. i witness myself willfully allowing opportunities to fade away from me because i don’t follow through with the tasks necessary to make them happen, because for whatever reason, it is hard for me to make myself do things that i know will make me happy sometimes.
i have no control over getting older but have i some control about the the things i do as i get older. also i feel like my memory is deteriorating. i used to document my daily activities. i feel like that helped me remember things. i even liked doing that. lately i haven’t been feeling like the things i’m doing are worth remembering. but i feel like that could just be a mind trick and if i just start writing more again, i can convince myself those things are worth remembering and everything is basically the same as it was however many years ago it was when i felt more satisfied or hopeful or whatever it is i don’t feel now.
**THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE INTERESTING** **I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO MAKE THIS SOUND INTERESTING OR TRY TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME OR THINK ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE READING THIS OR ENJOYING READING THIS, IT’S JUST GOING TO BE WHAT IT IS, IT’S A FUNCTIONAL THING THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HELP ME FEEL MORE LIKE IMPROVING MYSELF**
recently this post became too big to edit as one long document. from now on, all new updates will appear on this page. the most recent ones will be at the bottom. every four days i’ll archive the text on this page and continue to update here. no current plans to stop doing this. thank you for reading.
for questions/comments, i will probably respond faster than if emailed or contacted in any other way: http://ask.fm/meganboyleliveblog
SEPTEMBER 1, 2013
8:58PM: drinking miller high life sitting in bed. trying out e-cigarette cartridges to see if they’ll work, watching ‘into the abyss.’ i went out ot buy beer. walked behind a man in using a rolling/walker-device which i thought was a wheelchair at first. there is a mattress that says ‘pillow-top’ on the corner of 117th and rockaway beach blvd. it smells awful when you pass it. it was there last night too. people were in clown wigs outside, on bikes, gathered on the corner by pickles & pies. there were a lot of people on the street but it felt very quiet. foggy. fog seemed eerie. there were fireworks as i was walking back to the apartment. for the first time since the interview i had with the apartment ‘board of people who let people into the apartment building,’ i saw the house with the screened-in porch with three dogs in the window. i had taken a picture of them in april. they were just like, standing and staring out the window, in the picture. it was funny. i was walking behind a smallish guy about my age, i thought, and imagined he was another person like me who lived in my apartment building, maybe he worked in the city or something. he was carrying two white plastic bags. the dogs barked at him. when i passed, one of the dogs walked away, the middle dog continued to bark, and the third dog and i looked at each other. walked a little slower so the plastic bag man wouldn’t have to hold the door for me. thought about what i had imagined would happen to me if i had moved here in april, like, beach parties. something. i don’t know. there would’ve been something that didn’t end up happening but i don’t know what it would’ve been.
used my apartment key to open the building door and it didn’t work but that was good because i saw a gathering of the white bag man and maybe two or three other people waiting for the elevator. when i looked up one of the people was the wheelchair man who worked for MTA who i said i’d bring smoothies to, who colin had invited to the ‘welcome to the building’ dinner in may. the white bag guy was ‘fancy food student,’ also from the dinner. there was another man too. made eye contact with MTA wheelchair man as he backed himself into the elevator and we both said ‘hi’ quietly, kind of sorrowfully, but i didn’t feel uncomfortable making eye contact with him. made eye contact with ‘fancy food student’/white bag guy but that felt uncomfortable. remembered they both live on the fourth floor. i didn’t get on the elevator. the third man followed me up the stairs and i felt aware of him probably being able to see up my skirt but didn’t care.
going to re-start vice column this wednesday and focus on that and writing novel. will probably write in liveblog less.